“If you can hear me ...Please help me.”

Sitting here in the dark doing what I do best. Thinking. Reflecting. Sorting out thoughts and emotions.

OH…
I just came to think of something I could do tomorrow when I’m alone for a while; Visiting my grandfathers grave. I haven’t done that in a long time, and since I have complained a little about me not getting any contact from “the other side” lately, so to speak - I might as well go visit and talk to him a little. Hoping it will be easier… I miss him.

…I wonder if I don’t get any contact because he thinks I should deal with this on my own, or if I am blocking everyone out..? Could probably be both… Dear me. Anyway, I’ll go talk to him tomorrow. Say hello. Maybe even buy a flower…

Smiles

The more I think about it, the more I realise how important it is to smile. And I also think that everything will be alright, in the end. Smile, be happy. Live your life with no regrets, then you will be able to die happy.

Cherish every moment, good or bad. I’ll do that.

name for this entry, anyone?

Good day…
Illness is taking its tools on me. 4th day of home staying and boringness… （ つ Д ｀）What can you do about it… Ahhhhhhhh…

Took a walk yesterday with Youni and her new boyfriend. I was kind of nervous at first to be honest, I wasn’t sure how I would react seeing them together like that. Holding hands. Those typical “partner"-stuff I can’t do anymore.

It was… an interesting experience.
If I would have written this entry yesterday it would have looked totally different I guess, I was all over the place after we came home, and I was so happy. I’m calmer now, and I’m more suitable for writing blog entries. Ahahaha!

He is a cool guy, and I admire him for his ability to take care of everybody. He didn’t shut me out in any way, I’m most grateful for that ☜(⌒▽⌒)☞. After my experience with him yesterday I feel that I can lend him my soul mate without worrying about her safety. He is a good guy… Besides, he is now officially my pal! He said he could train me in martial arts
d(*⌒▽⌒*)b, it’s kind of cool to be able to say that my sensei is a “samurai”~ He’d even make me food so I’d eat properly… yeh, even he commented that I looked thin. Ahahaha! Dear me~~

”As you can see, there’s an invasion of idiots.” Sorreh for changing subject, but my TV is on and I couldn’t help but to burst out laughing when a somewhat annoyed elderly man said that line just now… Hilarious comment, since the “idiots” he’s referring to are 150 drunken teenagers partying in his garden ☆☆☆. Just how awesome is that! Cop-show, by the way. Oh anyway…

Back to subject…
As I said, I was very happy yesterday. Still today I’ve shown signs of aggression and I’ve shed tears (again) cuz of this whole situation.
There’s nothing I can do about it though…  minute by minute, day by day. I’m sure it won’t always feel this bad.

I am confused. So confused. I feel lonely. But I know that I aren't lonely at all. I love my friends, and I’m sorry for not showing my appreciation for you guys… Sometimes life is just so hard and messed up you have to hide under a rock for a while until the worst storm is over. I think I’ll be back on track soon enough.

There’s a guy in my class who I think is interested in me. He has been giving me looks, and yesterday he asked Youni where I was. Apparently his voice went funny! I can’t express the extent of my amusement right now!ヽ(´▽`)/ roflmao!! 
I long for school tomorrow so I can meet him and check him out. This is crazy! *falls off chair*

OK… A lot of rambles today. I think I better get going. I’ll meet up with Youni in 1 hour or so and I will f*cking finally buy those shoes. Hai, I’m off.  AdiOSU~!!

It’s a lonely world

Fever strikes for real this time

Oh dear me, seems like I have been hit by a violent fever…My entire body hurts and I feel extremely ill. I can’t remember when I last felt this feverish. Where did it come from? Yesterday was all good, but I couldn’t sleep cuz of a bad throat-ache.
Ran around in town for a while with mom today, but honestly couldn’t be out long… bleh…

Fever will be fever. Jigoku e ike bakayarou!!…

But I gotta have 気愛. There is no use in complaining about it. School time tomorrow, with or without fever.

Someone special

It’s strange how some people can change your life forever. You meet new ones every day, just imagine how many you’ll have met at the end of your life!.. Still.. some of them, stays in your heart forever. The one that suddenly came into your life and changed it completely. Someone who turned your life upside down, who made you see what you’re really capable of. Helped you.
I have a friend like that…

When I was desperate and needed someone the most, she was suddenly there… I couldn’t understand what a great impact she would have on my life, how it turned out to be. She encouraged me in a way that no one else had done before, made me realise that I could actually make it if I just wanted. When I was afraid and confused, she was always there and supported me. The best thing was that she’d been going through the exact same thing, only years before me. I relied on her more than I’ve ever done with someone before…

Even when I was grumpy, sad or just plain “I give up”, this special person always stood behind me and pushed me to keep going. She had this unreal capability of understanding me. With her, nothing was “strange”. 
I felt so accepted, and I quickly got very attached to her…

I really don’t think I would have come this far without her. She was everything to me in that moment, absolutely everything. My mentor. I wan to cry of thankfulness for what she did for me, and still does more or less. Some people really are angels, she definitely is… Because it’s not every day you see an adult person reaching out their hand to such a young one, wholeheartedly wanting to help. She never asked for anything in return…………………………………..

That’s why I want to dedicate this entry to her; Gunilla. She is by far the most amazing 36 year old I’ve ever met. I cannot describe how much I love her.. We’ve met twice in real life, and I’m planning to do so again really soon. I never feel like a child with her, I never felt inferior. I’m treated in a cool and relaxed way, because she is really cool and funny!! Absolutely hilarious~ My best adult friend…

By now, you’ve probably figured out what she helped me with: My Emetophobia. Fear of vomit.
She helped me become the non-phobic person I am today.. And for that, I will always be grateful..
I want to do something for her, give something back..but for now.. I think the best gift I can give her, is seeing me smiling widely again, living my life to the fullest, without being afraid. 

Message

Follow this advice n you’ll be just fine

Give me an “OSU!!!”

I don’t know why… but…

…the moment I saw these, my fear vanished. It’s like a weight disappeared from my chest.
Everything will be alright~ it’s just… alright~

Soulmates
”Two people that love each other more than anything and are meant to spend the rest of their lives together. Two bodies, one soul.”

Autumn, time to put on some clothes

It’s absolutely freezing. From the moment I wake up it feels like I’ve stepped right into a blizzard! (¬_¬") … So not amused.
Trying to get a little warmer by cuddling up with  my down bed cover.

For once we’re up earlier, it’s feels so good to be able to have a stress-free morning. Words like “hurry” doesn’t exist today. Still not liking the fact that we’re having English today… can I just sit in a corner with my blanket and a hot cup of chocolate..? (;´ρ`) Why can’t that be, huhh?

Guess I shouldn’t really write so much nonsense all the time, I don’t really like how it comes out anyway. Even though I enjoy reading bout others “randoms”… Do you like reading mine???

……..”#%/¤@ it’s so damn cold o(>< )o.

Go away. Sincerely, pained.

Fml. My head has literally been trying to kill me all night =___= . . . I couldn’t sleep well, as you might understand. Was in bed massaging my neck muscles most of the night, LOL.

@%&U#!##%)¤%—!! =_=;;

Oh well, not very exited for school today to be honest, but what can you do about it? Better not complain. Got to make this work.

Here ye go..

I’m scared

Is it even an idea to try and explain how I feel..? Try to put my stormy mind into words..? I don’t even think it’s possible. Everything that I am is just a mess. I thought I was going to understand it better as I grew older and wiser, but I think it went backwards for me… I’m even more messed up then before. It’s killing me.
I used to be good with words, but to be honest I don’t even remember when I last said something good and well phrased…

I wonder if you suddenly can go backwards… my mind has started spinning again…
I managed to get some order in there, people used to tell me I was extremely skilled at saying the exact right thing so everyone understood. Whatever I say now………. no one understands, I’m not even sure my sentences are complete or grammatically correct anymore!!
Everything’s going so fast inside my head… I can’t keep up, it’s a stormy ocean again. No, no, no!

Constantly, I say things without thinking. And after I said it, I don’t even remember saying it. So it can always be turned against me. WHAT IS GOING ON!?…………………

Maybe talking to someone would be a good idea. I’ll see if I can do it in school…….. What’s happening to me………!??… ;__;

I know even less who I am now, I know even less what my purpose is in life. Fuck my life. Why..??… I’m actually afraid... I also used to be able to talk about personal issues to everyone, but now I don’t even wanna do that. I don’t want to reveal myself. My problems. Even though I’ve grown up in a family that always talk to each other when something’s hurting them. Jesus, I don’t know. I just don’t.

My mind is spinning…….. it’s going too fast…….. I can’t sort it out as I once could. It’s not supposed to be like this. Someone, Help me..

It deserves a 2nd entry!

Mwahahah, guess who’s been good today? I HAVE!! *gives >;D* Firstly I went to the doctor at 10 AM, to get my medicine changed for me, and I told her about the burning feeling in my stomach and that I had been throwing up yesterday all of a sudden, and she said it could be gastritis, mixed with the medicine. Not funny!!

After that I went home and chilled for a while, got super excited cuz the PV for The end of the day was released, watched it over and over and I basically know the lyrics by now. I’m awesome like that. I know.

I hadn’t planned to go to school, but something made me motivated and I pushed away my fears even more today and stepped outside. Yaaaah, I wouldn’t have dared to go to school again for a MOTH, if this had happened a year ago. I was a little nervous to be honest, but how couldn’t you be? I decided to go the last hour of school, math! I worked hard ^-^ and I even UNDERSTOOD something!! Yahaha!
I’m so proud of myseeeeelf~ I’m allowed to be proud, aren’t I?? LOL. The phobia is officially OVER. I feel really happy and giggly~~

ALALALALALALALALAAAAAAAAAAA ~~~~

And so, the day has finally come, the day I’ve feared the most is heeeeeeeeeeere! … I threw up in school. I just came home. Youni accompanied me ^-^ arigato! She’ll be back in school after lunch, I’ll stay home and have a BLAST~!! I feel fine. Might throw up again, but who cares. I’m hungry. LOL!!

At least I know for sure now that I must contact my doctor to change medicine. This is ovbiosuly NOT working, ahahahahaha~~~ side effects!!! At least I think the meds behind my sudden puke-attack.
But… the interesting part is: I wasn’t afraid. Not at all. Not even on the subway home.

WHO HAS TAKEN CONTROL OVER THE PHOBIA, BITCHES!?!? *WIPES AWAY TEARS OF MADNESS*

Memories~ I’m so happy \^_^/

New month, new day, new possibilities.

It’s already September. How did it happen?
As usual I haven’t been able to understand the mystery of Time.

I’m already cold, and I worry how I will survive another fall and winter.
Last year, it was snow on my birthday. October is four weeks away.
It’s insane, isn’t it?

I’m so tired of being cold, this cold country is no place for me really.
Shit, how I wish I could just go away for a while,
to a warmer country…

Well then, I have to get going. Lets hope for a beautiful autumn
with lots of colours~