tensiooooooon, uwaaaaah!! lololol

Good evening.
Been doing absolutely nothing today, except the bath, the singing and the 3 meals. Oh and yeah of course – the TV. I think it’s been running non stop all day… (o.O )/

The tension is building up. 3 days left until we go to London~ are you nervous? My mind is excited but my body is slightly freaking out! I’m all weird and tense. Super-tired!! Yet I cannot sleep……. That’s the thing, I cannot fall asleep. As soon as my head touches the pillows, I start to freak out about the trip and “oh my God it’s gonna be so much fuuuuun!! I can’t wait!! OHMYFOCKIIIINGGOD WE’RE GONNA SEE GACKT….!!!” That kind of hysterical thoughts, lol.

Anyway… we’re going back to the summer house tomorrow at 11 AM. Last chance to become a little touched by the sun~

I think I should try and go to bed soon. I am tired. But FIRST – I’m going to play with the hamster \(^u^)/~~ Oyasumi~

i find myself sleepless

I can’t sleep. It hasn’t happened in a long time. But now I can’t sleep……
Even before we went to bed at 11 p.m. I had a feeling this would occur. The restlessness in my body is getting stronger. I wonder if it’s because GACKT&YFC arrived to Paris just hours ago? If it’s because the first concert is only hours away?… I’d think it has a big part of it. I am nervous. We’re leaving in only 5 days and I suppose this fact is getting my nerves on fire.

I was also wondering if I might be ill. I couldn’t help but to wake up every 5 minutes and feel a very present sickness. An hour ago I had to go outside for a while. Because I couldn’t sleep the only thing to do was to go and watch the sunrise~



























It’s getting brighter and brighter every minute. Night is turning into day. I remember when I used to take pictures of every sunset… how beautiful it was, and how peaceful. But I have to say that sitting outside with a blanket and beholding the sunrise is even more beautiful. Cooling off a little was good for my restless soul.

Well… It’s after 4 a.m. now… I’ve been up for more than 1 hour. Soon 1,5. Maybe it’s a good idea to try ‘n sleep again? My head feels a little thick but otherwise I’m fine now, thankfully. I thought I’d end up getting sick. But I’m hungry, and I’d do anything for a cup of tea~!

an unusually long entry, just for you.

Aaaaaaaaaaaaah…………………………………….!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This headache is trying to kill me. Jigoku e ike!!! It’s been going on since midday. Help me.
The painkillers doesn’t seem to help at all. Not even a bath does! orz…. I’m so tense everywhere!! NOT approved. No. And it’s all because of my stiffness. 

Trying to stretch my neck a couple of hours ago and… あははははははは~~~
The outcome was bad   …!! Let me tell you something; I can’t bend my head more than 1 cm to the left. It has always been like that, in fact as long as I can remember. Being born way too early has its price, あははは~ Since I was little it has always been like a battle for me to become as good as everyone else when stretching..

Let’s take this example: When I was between 6-10 years old, I was a ballet dancer & also a member of a circus school. As a daily routine we had to stretch an awful lot, as you can imagine. When I saw the other girls in my ballet class I envied them for their flexibility… I wasn’t able to get down in split or lift my legs as high as they could.

I had to work extra hard for it.

Whenever I was given the opportunity I would stretch. I did so because I felt embarrassed of my stiff self. I didn’t want to come to class and perform badly. I was sitting on our dining-room floor every evening while watching TV. I practised so hard on being able to keep my legs straight while leaning forward and hold my feet. It was painful. The feelings hasn’t changed since. It’s an utterly painful act. BUT I MADE IT.
The same thing went for the circus school. There as well our daily routine was stretching, and somehow it was more painful. My teacher came up to me one day, oh I still remember it so clearly, saying “You have to practise harder on stretching your arms. That won’t do. I’ll help you, up on your feet!” As I stood up facing her, she told me to turn around and press my back against her back. Of course I did as I was told. She told me to raise my arms up in the air so she could grab them. At that very moment – I knew it was going to hurt. She lifted me up by my arms… I was hanging on her back with my own against hers. The pain that rushed trough my body was unbearable!

I couldn’t breathe, and I started to panic. My teacher did not understand how painful it was for me so it was useless trying to bend free. I was stuck on her back, あははは~
I hung there like a ragdoll and the minutes passed by. I wondered if I was actually going to die.
I have never felt such pain in my life, and I’m serious. Just when I thought she was about to finally let me down – she called out to the other pupils and they all looked our way. “This is another way of stretching your arms! A is helping me demonstrate it to you.” I thought she was insane. And there I was.. young and foolish, almost dying in pain, hanging from my teachers back on a display.

Of course, the other children had no problem what so ever hanging from backs, I watched them in awe……… From that day ‘n forward I feared for my life every time I went to the circus, あはは~
Even today, my arms hasn’t become more flexible at all. I’m still stuck in the same position as when I was 7. My joints and muscles are extra stiff and hard to stretch out because of my early birth. The hospital where I was delivered send my mother papers saying that premature children often seemed to suffer from this, and they wondered if I did too. Being un-naturally stiff is a living hell. Especially for the muscles in my neck and arms. I can’t do a lot of physical stuff because of the pain. I can’t exercise my shoulders very well ‘cuz if I do and keep pushing it trough the pain, my head won’t get any air and I will end up fainting.

“Come on! Get some neck-stretching going!!” Yeeeh, I know, I know! But you all know how it is, it’s hard to actually DO it. It hurts so much and it’s somewhat hard to do.
I’ll better be doing it from now on, ne..? Otherwise I won’t get those sexy shoulder muscles I want so badly!!! I know I have to work harder than most people to achieve this. 

がんばって~~~~~!!!!

Grey

Time to do something today ne..? Been taking it real chill the past two days basically not leaving the house, lol. Was tired.
Even though going to bed at 4 a.m. and just woke up, 11 a.m. I feel pretty good.

I have been taking a break these two days from my training, so that is also something that will continue today. TRAINING~!!! 頑張ります~~~ Can’t take vacation from important stuff right?

It’s time for breakfast, train a little and then get dressed to get out & meet the world! … Ugh I’m definitely hungry. Hai, I’m off \[^v^]/~

I’ve been recording again

me and my birds, strike a pose for me!

Random i am nervous random

Oh myhyhyyy~ there’s been AGES since we did some washing in this household!!! LOL.
Now we’re finally doing it and there are TONS to wash.
I don’t have any clean clothes at all to wear, so it’s about time!

Don’t think I’ve ever felt this dirty and gross before. Ahahahaha! But everything else is actually in good shape (O.O) … surprisingly I know~ Feels awesuuum though. And all we’ve been doing today is washing… woke up at 12.30 p.m. and started doing it right away LOL such failure! Will not be doing ANYTHING today. I’ve been running around meeting different people the past 3 days so I’m totally fine just relaxing today.

Also it’s too grey for my taste so being a little cuddly is fine. Luckily my joints and muscles have stopped aching, yesterday was horrible T^T, pain pain pain!! Because I’m a premature born child I’ve had a lot of problems with my body. I’ve been in ache ache ache. Well that was random~ After all, I was born 3 months too early.

I’ll go down now finishing the washing, afterwards I am going to take a bath and put on some FRESH & CLEAN clothes~ Lovely. *kiss*

can you believe it’s been exactly 1 year already?

It’s been a year already. A whole year. Even though everything will soon happen again, I feel an ache in my heart that rips me apart. It’s July 16th.

My goal is to develop a voice that can heal a broken heart.

I felt like recording again, this is the best recording so far of this song. It’s extremely hard to sing the deep parts, so be kind with me (^_~) ne? I’m giving it my best shot.
I’m proud to say that I am improving on the deep parts though, more practises and it’ll be perfect! Enjoyyyy. Leave comments on the video on YouTube, thanks! (of course here too if you want).

Good morning.

OH my… I’m finally awake. I took an hour nap yesterday at about 7.30 pm and it helped me stay awake till after midnight. But when I finally went to bed for the night I wasn’t tired at all really… but getting up in the morning was harder than I’ve ever experienced in years!
I couldn’t wake up! Or rather… I was awake, now and then, but I just couldn’t get my body to get up from bed. Too cosy! What a nightmare… hontou.

Been drinking some coffee now – that I was clumsy enough to spill all over myself –.- but hopefully it’ll help me to wake up even more.
Anyway I feel like working out now or something, stretching a little. I think I’ll do it. Get my body moving~ AND BY THE WAY yesterday my otosan stopped by to give me some parts to a drum set~!! A chair and a hi-hat standing. I got some money to buy a hi-hat~ Unfortunately I’ve sold my tabor, (the main drum in a set) cuz of lack of interest about 2 years back. Damn.
I think I’ll buy a new one later this autumn when I’ve got more money. I’m also thinking that I’ll try and save for an electric drum set. That I can have in the apartment without the neighbours getting mad. You can get a decent one for under 10.000.

I want to succeed, both for myself and for my parents. I want to show them what I CAN do. That I am capable of succeeding too. I want to show that especially to my okaasan.
Well… I’ll drool over some drum videos for a short while, then proceed to muscle work out.

1 week and 6 days to go!!! I’m getting flashbacks…

Planning day for the upcoming trip to England~
Placed all the tickets for both concerts on our usb:s, ready to be printed out.
Will try to print them out today or tomorrow.

Checked in online for our flight with Ryanair… boarding cards to be printed out!
Counting on all the costs, Jesus Christ let me survive this….

And finally; the battle to learn the British £ has begun .
My Dyscalculia is an a**hole, ha ha ha.

I MISS horses so much. It’s painfulllllllllllll~~~~~

A very good day, more of these, please!

Cleaned the whole apartment today as soon as we came home. Vacuum cleaning, dish washing, removing dust from shells and other spaces… I feel like praising us a little!
Afterwards Younii and I went to the Muffin Factory and shared a latte while looking trough some magazines. There were some interesting tips in it on how to improve your life, kind of~

Please, click to get the pictures bigger. You might have to zoom in also, sorry for the bad quality. But I thought I’d share them here if anyone’s interested! ^. ^
And you know whaaaaaat?? When we were about to leave the woman who worked there said we could get 2 muffins for free! *happy, happy!* So tonight’s gonna be a good one!

We didn’t know where to go next so we decided to take a little troll around the area. Found a new place I’d never seen before. There were some really beautiful houses there, looked somewhat brittish. So I took some pictures, lol.

Such a lovely evening, walking down the streets of Södermalm, hand in hand with your beloved. 

I’ve fallen in love with photography……..

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Credits to Younii for the 2nd big picture (from the top).

Another day has passed, time goes fast..

I got a haircut today!!! [^.^]/ After 5 whole years I’m now seeing my NATURAL hair colour. It’s amazing. I didn’t remember I was this… fair-haired? Not as dark brown as I thought. My hair is longer on the top of the scalp, so it’s still quite a bit coloured. The contrast looks funny to me…… But it’ll grow and I will have to cut it again sooner or later… and thennnn I’ll have my natural colour all over my hair. I like it [o.o], yes, I like it.
And I bought a super hairspray that’ll make the longer parts STAY VOLUMIZED.

I’m starting to get a little tired. We’ve been out for many hours today, it was great though~ tomorrow it’s sunbathing-time. I refused this time, but maybe maybeeee I’ll take a bath too! Brrrr! It’ll be very cold. My muscles are aching badly from yesterdays training, Younii was right – I would be pained tonight, LOL.

Goodmorning world!!

I’m awake earlyyy, after going to bed late. Slept for 5,2 hours. I’m thinking that it would be good to head off to the country house as early as possible, just to get it over with! I’m not keen on it really. But oh well.
Just a quick update, I’m proud to be awake. I’ll go and see if I can get Younii up too. See you~

Nightly gibber from my cosy sofa

What the heck is the kitchen doing?? Strange sounds coming from there all the time.
Younii is sitting here and swearing beside me, reading some reports of a murder case.
Dolce the hamster is running frantically in her wheel, and the neighbours are sleeping.

Everything’s in order, in other words.

And as you can see I re-made my blog for the 10.000th time.
…Younii is now trying to explain the case for me, waving her arms around,
talking with annoyed voice. It’s amusing. Sorry love, but I can’t really keep up with the conversation!

It’s pretty cosy right now, sitting in our living room with my laptop.
The room’s got a warm and hazy look and feeling. I’s definitely nice.
In about an hour I will go to bed, I’ve made up my mind..
also for the 10.000th time, that I’ll sleep 6 hours. 2AM – 8AM. End of sentence!
Do you think I’m going to make it?

I’m hoping for a better day when I wake up. But I will try to remember that it’s all up to me how it turns out. If I colour the day with my brightest smile, nothing can go wrong.
The day will become as you wish, either sad or happy. It all depends on your attitude.

What face will you wear when you wake up?

Something good was made yesterday at least ^^

Howdy boyssss! Today’s a new day, wihoo! We lived to see another sunrise. Kind of.. cuz I slept for almost 12 hours tonight. Someone please KICK MY BUTT (>x<!). I sleep too much.

Yesterday Younii and I baked some cookies~  Doing something good for the birthday kiddies GACKT and Liza-chan! The chocolate ones turned out good but the light ones only tastes flour, yuck. I took some pictures of the process:

I love baking, though I don’t do it often so it usually ends up tasting… a little strange. But I’d love to someday run my own bakery with Younii. If everything else goes to hell then I will consider the possibilities.
Now it’s time to get dressed and head off to grandmother, mum and Younii will come too. It will be nice! Finally doing something today ( ・ω・).

Tomorrow the plan is to sunbathe. It’s been grey the past few days again, so mum is almost forcing us to go to the summer house. LOL. Well then, off we go. See ya around!

It’s that day again

I’m desperate for a purpose. Can’t someone give me one?
My biggest problem is that ever since I was born, my mother has done EVERYTHING for me.
I haven’t been able to do anything for myself.

What are the consequences? A person that has no idea how to make things happen.
I want everyone else to do things for me, because that’s how I’ve been raised.
Never had to do anything… it’s awfully painful.
“Now when you’re older you should be able to do that” Well…? No, I haven’t been taught.

I’m filled to my limits with dreams and things I want to success with,
but I haven’t got the power to act. That’s my one and only problem so far….
Can anyone help me??? … I envy people who have discipline. It’s the thing I adore the most.
Nothing can make me more jealous than that.

Today… July 4th. The feelings of “purpose” is stronger than ever.
It’s like this almost every year. Because it’s HIS birthday. The man of my life. My hero.

I want to be extra good today of all days, DO SOMETHING to make him proud!!!
I get these high and weird expectations of myself that always and always makes me crash before I’ve even started.

Jesus, I don’t know what to do… I know I have too high pressure on myself, but I can’t help it!! Tasukete….

My day in numbers. It felt good to write it this way.

#1: I dreamt that I had sex with a guy my age, and I found out he was a virgin! LOL!! Teacher Zändiiis here we go~!! I know how to make it right with little boys *blink blink*. It was an hilarious dream, his mother was hysterical and kicked me out, ahahahaha! When I awoke I was like “what the…??”

#2: Younii and I went to bed early cuz we thought that we’d come up in time, but did we? NO. Ended up sleeping for almost 10 hours, dammit, cutting down my sleep to 6 hours is harder than I thought!!! Ate some breakfast and got dressed…

#3: Went to the Muffin Factory and took a latte and a cupcake. Nommmm!! ( ^3^)/ … we discussed our plans for the two upcoming concerts, things like “we should make everyone here in Sweden sing Anställd på ICA” and other freaked out fangirl nonsense. Even now it’s making me nervous we’re going to stand in the front. It’s CLOSE!!! (O___O).

#4: Decided to take the bus. AHAHAHA, all the wayyy to its ending station and thennn back again! LOL, funny thing though, after going all the way to the end-station, we went off… and went ON again… the bus changed its number and became the one that would take us back to where we came from. Sometimes there’s not enough stupidity in this world. That’s why I exist… to make things like this.

#5: Talked a lot with Younii. I truly enjoy spending time with her. My best friend! We spend time with each other 24/7, but sometimes we reach “it”. The IT feeling. Like the old days.. when all we did was talking talking talking. Love her.

#6: I sang. IT WENT FUCKING GREAT!!! I will develop the best singing voice in the worrrrrld…!
After GACKT that is….

#7: When walking to the store we saw that someone had decided to place a bicycle in the tree. It believed it could flyyyy~ it believed it could touch the skyyyy~  It looked hilarious, I wish I had taken a picture of it. After that we came home and I took a bath, and now I’m sitting here chilling a little writing this entry for you all. This was my day!