Sleep with one eye open

Ohayou. Mowww I am dreaming too much… >.< I just woke up after a dream where I was so furious at Younii-chan because she had gotten a cold again. I often dream that she’s got a cold. In reality the sound of coughing is the most annoying sound I know. Waking up twisting around and making noises aren’t very funny, even though it might seem amusing. Bah! 

I also was stupid enough to drink a glass of coke right before bedtime. Left me awake most of the night, slept like 10 minutes intervals. At 5 am I honestly thought of getting up … sleep doesn’t work!! Body was too tired though so left me no choice but to lay still. Mahwww … And then that freaking dream. I also have a habit of acting out my dreams when the story is about Younii-chan. Ahahaha. Countless times I have hit her in my sleep. Not only by accident – one time I even punched her in the face with my fist and a scary sense of knowledge of her position. It wasn’t a light punch either. Damn.
I am a scary person to sleep next to.I think it would be lethal to let me sleep with a knife next to my bed. Don’t ever let that happen.

Oh well that was my night. Let’s move on shall we? Hehehe … At about 1 pm I’m going to visit my grandmother and help her buy food, She’s old and needs help carrying heavy bags. Not like I’m good at it!!! But doing my best. Staying with her for lunch, which is good – makes sure I actually eat something. Yesterdays lunch was only a sandwich with butter and cheese, not that good ne? … Will try and eat more today.

Ahhhh and you know what?? I was trying to record some songs yesterday with a program called Audacity. I have heard from others that it’s suposed to be good … But when it messes up your voice to the point where you stop sounding like yourself, is it still that good…!? Is it just me being stupid and miss something essential or is this program not really living up to its expectations for me? Maybe I should try and download another program.
Just so you know – I am working on recording new songs. Shouldn’t take too long.

But I gotta go back to work then.

Bring the caviar~!

  Finished a little meal consisting of an egg and some caviar. Do you like it? I love
it! Haven’t been eating it for quite some time now but I just got home from my drum lession and I felt like eating something. I am a caviar-maniac!! Yummy yummy~! I think I might start to eat a little more again, since I’ve lost 1 kg … 44—!! No!! And today I have these blood preassure-falls so I’m feeling sick now and then… wwwwghhhhh. I think it is a reminder though that I have to eat regularly and more healthy. Been too much sweets and fat food lately, shame on me! But it gets like that when the apetite is abscent. Fast fat food is easier to eat.

Did you know that we like to eat fat (both unhealthy and healthy) because our ancestors survived that way?When we lived on the savanna and food were hard to come by we ate a lot of fat things. The fatter the better. It was all about our survival… If you think about it from a historial perspective it all makes sense. If you don’t have the habit to eat greens, hamburgers are more tasty, right? Fat is energy. Besides, greens have that bitter taste that makes us go “poison!!” . Well if you ask our genes that is!

I’m craving for meat … hmmm. We’ll make some taco-rice tonight. Yumm! Do we have avocado??? … I don’t think so, what a shame … and we’re kind of broke, hehe. I am going to the kitchen and check what we’ve got~ I’m hungry. Ja ne.

MOW

Raining!!! Why can’t it stop raining and being so greyyyy---??? I get so tired.
Drums soon………me need lunch…….. *making making making* …………………

I can’t wait for LONDON---!!!

Yellow Fried Chickenz 2011~!!

GACKT’s concert tickets went on sale yesterday at 3pm and 4pm. We managed to get tickets for both London and Stockholm!! Mum said we couldn’t afford going to London this year but me and Younii-chan have made up a plan and a budget so we have now successfully finished booking flights and hotel in the UK.

The most hilarious things are, 1: we are going by ourselves this time, no adult company (first time for me!) 2: We booked the same hotel as we stayed at last year—!! It feels amazing! Like another dream come true. We will experience everything again this year. A re-experience! Not the same venue but aaaaah I’m so excited!!!

Then home to Sweden, Stockholm on the 28th (july) and then we get to see him AGAIN on the 9th of august at Fryshuset! 

But truly it feels extra good going to London to see him again, knowing we are fulfilling our promise. “GACKT: I promise to come back here again!! ..If you promise to come back here too!!!”  it feels just amazing.

I hope Liza and Mimmi will come with us~ I pray for you guys!!

Teach me tiger \[^o^]/ …

Mawww~~!! This tiger cub is so adorable~~!! And the song is so funny and cute at the same time. Check it out!

Ohayou gozaimasu my peasants!

Uwwwwhh … this morning could have started better … Woke up secounds before Younii-chan text messaged me and somehow I got extremely mad and frustrated, not because of her but the fact she couldn’t sleep. LOL. She was so dead exhausted yesterday evening and I really hoped that she could have a nice nights sleep. Hell no. *amused laugh* Sorry for coming off angry love, that was not my intention.

It has calmed down quite a bit now but aaaaah feeling sleepy and blerghh I don’t know …

Sadness over … something? Ahaha I don’t even know what I’m upset about. Maybe it’s because of the ticket release tomorrow? Could be it. Otherwise I have no clue cuz Younii-chan is coming home tomorrow quite early so I shouldn’t be upset about that, hoho! Must be the tickets. Some kind of nervous breakdown, blaaah, since I haven’t been hysterical yet! AHAHA~!! It’s almost funny ya know.

School soon and I only have 1 lession where I have to finish stuff I am late with. Other than that I’m good to go. Shopping with mum today.
I’m tired but I slept really well on the couch! It’s comfy! Somehow it’s peaceful sleeping there when you’re alone. I don’t think I could have done it if I tried to sleep in our bed. So tonight will be another couch-night, I look forward to it~^^

I can honestly say I love sleeping on the couch (^ω^ )/

Hmmm I should sing or something ………. Ja ne.

I know now, I finally know …

“I don't know what an Emetophobia-free life is like... 'cause I've never had one.”

Two days from now, it is exactly 1 year ago since I wrote that …
I’m never going back to that time. Never ever.
I know now what it feels like … for the first time in my life, it’s there.

I’ve finally found ……

Freedom.

And what shall I name thee?

Goodmorning. Soulmate left for Belgium 60 minutes ago. I’m a bit sleepy still …
She’ll be home again on friday morning, so basically it is just tomorrow alone. I think I have forgotten how to live alone, I think I have. My childhood was spent alone, my family was mum. I got so exhausted if I had to be social toward a person more than 2-3 hours, it often gave me a fever … That has definitely changed.
I don’t know what to do with myself when left alone anymore. It’s almost funny!

I’m not really used to sleeping only for 4 hours. Because we went to bed at 11.30 pm and woke up at 3.30 am, I’m a little sleepy. I guess I could easily stay up and take on the days challenges, even though my head feels a bit heavy, but I think I will try and sleep at least 1 more hour.
You know my ideal sleeping-time is 5 hours? 4 sounds too short, 6 sounds too long. 5 sounds good, resting and effective.

Yaaaah, it’s almost 6 am. Mum will be up any minute … I guess I should lay down for a while. And when I wake up – tiem for some vocal recordin’~!!!!!

Have a pleasant journey my love! 愛してるよ baby~!

Well then, shall I sleep some more?

Zände

Here comes a random bunch of pictures.

I was drawing a little the other day. Beautiful Egazarou. Awww my son! \[^3^]/

Today we made a short trip to Nacka Forum after school. I still can’t believe I ate sushi there about 2 weeks ago. 6 months ago I would NEVER have done it. Look at the place, it’s in the middle of everything! Comfortable red chairs though (^.^)
Look who’s in the mirror! It’s ME! LOL.LOL.LOL.LOL.

A lot of entries will show up now. Are you ready?

Feeling so frustrated, what can I do…? A lot of emotions are poppin’ up and I’m starting to get more and more stressed out. I have boring, but what can I do? Uwaaaaah it’s such a lovely evening, still my chest aches …

I wish saturday was here. Then all this would be over. Remembering last time, when all was over … what a relief …
Saturdays are the best. But perhaps friday nights could be best too.

I just feel a little confused right now, don’t mind me. Just a messy mind. “Too many minds” … that’s what they say in The Last Samurai. It is one of my absolute favourite movies by the way. It’s portraying Japan so beautifully. Unnnn …

I don’t know what I want to do now. Sleep. Probably. Not an option. No. That’s right ... *major sigh* … I don’t know what I want to do. Help me out? I feel lonely.

Zände

Early blah blah blah-ing ~~~

Awesome. Just when I was about o publish an entry I managed to delete it. Ahahahaha~! It’s no where to be foooound … Goodmorning ~~~ヾ(＾∇＾)♪

The pain in my neck is far worse today, glerrrgghhh, it left me sleepless …
and such strange dreams circulating in my head, ah I feel drained cuz of them. I wonder what they mean…?

I’m in desperate need for some coffee (;´ρ`) …
But coffee seems to mess up my system, ahahahah agh my stomach. Not good for me in the mornings~!! I just had some.

I feel more awake now, music tiiiiiime—!!
 
Zände

Living in a hazy dream

Where does this sickness come from? It’s starting to get on my nerves by now. Uwahh, it is definitely not pleasant. Maybe it could be my blood preassure?
You know that feeling when you’ve taken a nap, or waking up in the morning. That kind of sickness.

I have also come to a conclusion: there will be no more naps from now on. It is NOT good for me. I’ve totally had it.

I always had these thoughts like “if you’re going to sleep, do it at night.” and “When you’re awake, you’re awake! You can sleep later".”  But now the past few months I’ve allowed myself to take more and more naps after school in the afternoon. At first it went very smoothly but I started to like it more and more so I slept more and more too …
The result is that I over-sleep. Apparently it is difficult to wake me up also.

I love sleeping, it’s one of the best things on earth! Therefore I used to restrict myself over the years to the point where I started to dislike the act of sleeping. I never took naps and I didn’t like to sleep (even though I slept 8-9 hours every night). LOL.

That has absolutely changed. I hate it. Whenever I get the chance I sleep. When I don’t have anything to do – I sleep.

Like a terrible lack of energy … it’s like I don’t posess it anymore, living in a hazy dream. Fuck it. From now on I will go back to my old sleeping habits.

Alright then . Gotta go get rid of this sickness and avoid falling asleep again.

Zände

Is it fate or am I just normal?

It feels so childish, so embarassing, so unbelievably stupid but …
I want to believe that there’s a meaning to all this. That we are meant to be their successors. Maybe more?………

Because of this particular dream I had tonight,
It made me wonder if it might be deeper than we think … this strange but beautiful connection we have with them. You know that feeling in your heart and soul.

Can he be my other soulmate?

So many things that matches perfectly cannot only be a coincidence. Our world is far more interesting than that! I have this feeling in my chest. It can’t be dead wrong. But at the same time, there are times when I feel so lonely because I don’t have him next to me … I love him. “It will pass, it is normal to feel strongly about a person like that in your age.” … people don’t seem to understand, do they…?

Maybe there’s a meaning to all this.
But right now until life proves me right or wrong, I feel so stupid.

Zände

Goodnight story.

There is something very special between me and boots. I fall in love with them over and over. It’s like a love story.
The husband repeats the sin again and again. Betraying wife after wife. LOL.

Every boot is yet another beautiful woman. Must have. They’re amazing.
But of course, they are also the hardest to get.

Someone highly attractive walks by and you dream of having her/him close to you, as your own. But just as you are about to take the first step, asking the person out – truth grabs you and you realize that he or she is way too good for you … You cannot have it. No matter what.

But sometimes the story takes a different path. The path of betraying. The attractive person walks by, you don’t think clearly, you only act … things happens in the blink of an eye and before you know it  - you’ve shared a night with that person. It’s yours.
Days later you are out again, and someone beautiful catches your attention. It’s another stunning person, you feel you must have.

…   …    …   Yes folks that’s the story about my relationship with shoes! It’s true. Ahahaha, I sound so much like a true woman, don’t I? The masters of collecting shoes. But the truth is, I love boots!
So yeah as you probably figured I saw these today (photo) and of course yes they are the most expensive ones in the store, fuck it, I cannot have them, so I am a little saddd at the moment *laugh*.

A love story from Z to all of my famliy *chu* .

Oyasumi.

お疲れ様でした ~~~!!!

That’s what I’m talking about~~~!! ヘ(^_^ヘ)(ノ^_^)ノ
My interview went great and I got in! I got in, people!
Out of many applicants, I was chosen somehow …

Like today at the interview:
“It is crystal clear that you should start here, you’re in!” …It feels amazing.

Something about me brings me luck.
I’ve noticed that more and more lately, and the more
I think back on it,the more I remember of other occasions
when luck has striked upon me.

I don’t do much, but whenever I do –
I have luck … New school here I come.

Zände

why the f*ck does it hurt?

My body aches. Damn it hurts.
I feel so stiff. I can’t move. It hurts.
Trying to stretch but it doesn’t help.
Maybe it just makes it worse. Stop?

Damn this little body. What should I do now?
Nervous for the interview tomorrow.
Maybe that’s why I’m tense? I don’t know.
It hurts. Really hurts. Everything is creaking.

Maybe I will sing for a while to make the pain go away.
Maybe it will work …

I have no energy left today.
Without even doing anything, all my energy left my body.
I feel so lazy, like a stuffed cow … I want to be strongggg.

To reach the dream of a stronger body and a heavier weight,
there’s a hell lot of work ahead of me.
I’m not sure if I can do it.
I’ve been struggling for so many years,
still nothing’s improved. What’s wrong?
It’s so hard …

But I’ll continue doing it, until I make it,
that smile is all I need.

Zände

Let me have eternal sleep

Had a really wierd dream tonight… somehow I was locked into a cage together with GACKT. We were suposed to climb arond on the walls ∑(O_O；) and he was following me. I think he was going to…catch me? But eheheeheeeee I didn’t mind that… Topless GACKT chasing you in a small cage is an experience for sure! (ﾟｰﾟ)(｡_｡)…

When I woke up I was sweating so much … and we had overslept … (_ _)ヾ(‘ロ‘) Of coure, we went to bed a little too late. Do not trust us/ME when it comes to sleeping. Do not. I was just going to lay down for a little while yesterday at 3 pm before heading off to my drum lession, but I happened to fall asleep and I woke up at 4 pm – when my lession started. So I had no chanse of making it in time. Missed it… (>_<)○------(^o^)○ …

Overslept 2 hours this morning. It’s insane …

Lately I’ve noticed my back is falling to pieces. I am so stiff and it’s painful to sit straight. My spine is creaking whenever I uncurl it. Also if I move my upper body from side to side it creaks … ☆⌒(＞。≪) …
Younii-chan has been helping me yesterday to straighten out my back to a “normal” position and posture, my muscles are screaming in agony.

They are definately weak.

I want to work out for a bit now.

Zände

Someone said IQ? sorreh!

Fuck. Så in i helvete. Why do I always have to mess things up…? [o_o]… I am not thingking before I act…

Am I an idiot?? Yes, and I will tell you why: INSTRUCTIONS EXIST FOR A REASON YOU PUMKINHEAD---!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I have now ended up with some weird connection between my instant messenger and my Facebook, meaning that whenever I update my status on fb – my messenger will do the same~!! AHAHAHA.
Those who know me is aware of my incapability of handling tecnical stuff what so ever. So that means: I have no idea how to change it back to normal.

I am actually a very clumsy human being. So now, the clumsy DoubbleMegaBAKA(!!?!!) is going to punish oneself a little bit.
… Just for the sake of being clymsy…ya know…

LOL.

Zände

Anyone with me..?!

I desperately wanna go to the gym---!! Anyone that wants to come with me~??? (ﾟДﾟ≡ﾟДﾟ) … KYAAA~!! There a local gym nearby that I have not been to yet. I used to go to another one even closer. Both are walking distance of like 5 and 10 minutes from my home.
I have not been to the gym for a year. Holy cow! How can that be…? Been exercising at home and in school of course but I miss the gym terribly.

The other gym I want to visit now looks brighter and better than the other one I already know of… I really wanna run on their treadmills!!Ｏ(≧∇≦)Ｏ

But it’s not funneh alooo~ooone! *whimper*… It is so much funnier to play around together with a training buddy, you can motivate each other, ya know? It’s definately good. Unfortunately I can’t afford a gym-card at the moment. They are EXPENSIVE. And I have to save alllll I can now cuz the little macho man Gakuto-san has just announced another YFC Europe tour this summer. I’ll absolutely go!!

Gotta study hard and give myself this as a reward. Don’t know what this entry is about really….. damn….. I’ll probably end up deleting it later tonight.

Hai~

Zände

Sweet childhood memories

There is a lot of things you forget as time goes by, isn’t it?And suddenly something happens that brings it all to life. Emotions you thought you would never experience again.

Today I got flash-backs from when I was a child. I visited a toy store, Kalikå, that has the most amazing animal toys. In my young days I collected horses together with a friend my age. Our mothers bought them for us, always one at the time, basically everytime we met.

We could play for ages with those horses. How wonderful it was to be able to let go of reality and passionately devote oneself to playing. Nothing was impossible and there were no limitations to our imaginations back then.

Standing in the store today, my longing to start collecting awoke again. My one shelf here at home is full with toy horses from that store. I desperately wanted to buy an animal. I really wanted to.
After a long consideration I left – empty-handed.

However, I took pictures of some of them. I find them useful to me when I draw. I think I will be able to create something beautiful.



















Well, I better go look after my former friends on the shelf. They are dusty, time to make them shine once more~~!!

Zände

Enjoying life ~

Heyyy~!! Long time no see! \[^U^]/ How have you all been? Missed me yet? Ahahahaha. Seriously I haven’t had motivation enough to make a proper entry, what should I write, is it interesting enough etc etc…

Since there are only a few weeks left until summer holidays, a lot of stuff has to be done. I know I’m not the best person when it comes to school work but I’ll do my best this time, LOL.
There’s a lot for me to catch up with if I am going to make it trough this term. Demo, GANBARIMASU~!!!

Last week was a Hell, Jesus Christ… I thought I was going to die.
Life is really going up and down like a rollercoaster! On top of it my medicine is messing with me, big time-! m[ >.<]m… Whenever I take it my throat and stomach begins to hurt like shit. It feels like a terrible heartburn all the way down to the stomach. Kinda bad reactions. I will give it 1 more week and then I will go check it up with my doctor to see if I need to change it or something.

Hmmm… that was random.

Finally summer is here and I am enjoying the sun, it is already like 25+ in the mornings. Feels great!!!
I look forward to the upcoming weeks and the holidays, a lot of chillin’~!! And probably some work, ahaha. But Younii-chan and I thought of maybe sleeping in tents, waking up early and practising some sword fight when we are off. Watching “The last Samurai” got us all hyped up n’ wanting to live more like the samurai’s. Getting in synch with nature, you know?

Gibber, gibber, gibber. Ahahahaha. Gotta go get ready for school. C-ya.

Zände