Hair trouble

AAAAAAH I’m going insane!!!!! I want a new hairstyle, I want my hair to grow FASTER, I want to dye my hair now (can do this weekend??), MY DAMN HAIRRRRR!!!!!!  aaaghhh getting all hyped up about it. I wanna change ittttttt.
OH, well.

Sunshine~ Oh oh oh.

Goodmorning sunshine! Horrible sleep...
Why must this kid next door scream like she's being abused or something in the freaking middle of the night, on several occasions too??? I really have trouble with children. Somehow they get on my nerves. Ahahaha, funny though, Soulmate got a little annoyed about the third time she started shouting, it was around 2.30-ish in the morning, so she banged the wall, and can you believe it...... it went silent!! Cuz they took the kid into another room I guess. Ahhh. How amazing.

Didn't feel very well when waking up like that...
My eyes hurt and my body felt like....shit. So today, even though I only have lessions from 12.30 to 16.00... I have no motivation again. It's almost as I'm considering calling Okaasan and say I refuse to go today. Should I? Or blame it on my depression or something like that. On top of it we have a boring lession all day. Oh boy, I'm so silly, ain't I...?

I don't know what I'm talking about.... just writing a heck lot.
Nooo. I'm going to... do something else. On the comp... yeah.

Yeah I'm feeling a little "DUHHH" today....


ZÄNDE

-*-*-*-

Just a short input before crashing in bed.
Today turned out well, nervous being outside, yupyup, but I kept on walking and pushing myself. It felt really good. But please ignore the silly fact that I only had lession for 1 hour (^.~) … My legs hurt badly. Aggghhhh XD… training. But maybe I should do it on my own tomorrow, just because it’s fun? Before school I guess. No class until 12.30 PM. Me? I’m a lucky bastard. AHAHA~!

Not feeling very well lately, depressed, but…
I’m still happy. I haven’t forgotten about the joy that exist in even the smallest of things!
Lalala, I’m starting to gibber a little too much now…sleepy??
Gotta go get unconscious for a while then.

ZÄNDE

Motivation…….

I have no motivation at all gonig to school today.
I just wanna stay in bed and sleep… I’m not very tired but…
Can’t stand myself. So instead if hurting myself, I think sleeping is a good way to calm down a little. Feeling really depressed today. Buuuut… then I found this…. Picture of G’s cute little puppies!  

It gave me a smile, and a tiny bit of motivation…
So, I guess I have to get ready now. Of course, EVER is going on repeat.


ZÄNDE

SHAAAA.

I had a tough morning, my aerobics class was the hardest one yet. Ahhh but I had so much funnnn!!!! First we danced a trough some “blocks” and then time for some workout. I have to say it was like getting an orgasm! XD I absolutely love working out with weights to music, together with other people. At first during the dance I got a little dizzy and shaky, so I went to the toilet to calm myself down a bit.. and I am going to praise myself for going back inside. I tend to get frigthened by this kind of reactions from my body and just leave it all, but now I didn’t (^.^)!!

I really love this kind of activities. It makes me feel so alive!
I worked so hard I barely could stand on my feet towards the end. Somehow I’m very stubborn and refuse to give up while training with others, so I was the only one who didn’t take a break to breath XD… I ended up almost falling to the ground when we finished off by stretching. Aahahahahah~!! My muscles didn’t wanna do more, but I wanted. So I thought of G and what he shouted to himself during a live “I can go more!!”  and so I did. It has become my number one saying to myself when working out. And I also couldn’t help but to smile and think “These are absolutely human legs, too..” when they didn’t wanna hold me up any longer and I became very unsteady. I hope we do it again next lession!! POWAAAH!!!

I’m a little childish, I get so hyped up over this work out day. LOL.
Now I think it’s time to eat…again. Duhh. And then off practising some English.
 

ZÄNDE

“I wish I had done more”...

Ohayoooooou~!!!
Your Devil2 is up.

I went to bed unexpectedly early, and by that I woke up at 8 AM.
I dreamed strangely… I was ill with cancer, and my hair fell off and I was told that I had no chance in surviving. I felt calm about the fact, actually, but what touched me at that moment was the feeling of “I wish I had done more”. the final day of my life, I played around, talking to old friends, and I even spent some time with my brother, who cried and expressed that he was happy I took a proper farewell. The last thing you’d remember of me was my happiness.

When I woke up in the middle of the night I started to cry myself.
It felt real. I cried because I felt like someone or something had been trying to tell me that I am not doing enough, I am not trying hard enough. That I must live now before it’s too late… if I don’t want to die with regrets. I hope this was a wake up call for me. Again. So I cuddled up close to Soulmate and soon I was asleep again.

I really should start moving forward instead of just day dreaming about it.
It’s my speciality – day dreaming. It becomes my reality. No wonder I get frightened by the world outside (.___.).

So…
I will fulfill my dreams. One by one.
With that said, I’m off.


ZÄNDE

In my mind.

I am scared. The feelings and thoughts are starting to attack me again.
It’s the season of the year, I’m more sensitive.
But I’ve come this far… I’ve taken it to this level, right?
So I  guess I can’t back down,.. I can’t give up, not now. I must keep on pushing it.

…I know what I have to do.

ZÄNDE

Another day in my Human body.

There have been a lot of tense feelings at home the past days.
A lot of fights, as a result. But now finally things have calmed down it seems…
I spoke to Okaasan for an hour today, it was good. I miss talking about everything.

Anyway so I’ve been in contact with a psychologist and I have an appointment! Yuss!!
It will be interesting to see what can come out of these meetings………
They will have to find the reason behind my behavior, and doing that they can test me too. I hope I can fill out papers, I LOVE it~!! XD –sigh- I hope that in the end everything will be alright.

Random #1: I am surrounded by wonderful and amazing people! You help me so much!!!
Random #2: I long for my tattoo’s!!!!!!!!!! Soon, pwetty pweas?? :3
Random #3: I am excited for my Bday!! XD Fufufu~ PARTY!!

ZÄNDE

Jihaku.

“So no matter how much I am hurting inside, I need to actually stitch up the wound rather than just licking them on occasions, which leaves me hurting again after I stop. The only way to move on is by stitching them up. It can just be a long process, it can be short, it all depends on how deep and big the wouds are, the deeper and bigger, the longer it will take. But you need to make sure that you clean the wound first so that it doesn't get infected. Sometimes after you have stitched up the wound, it may leave a scar that you are to carry through the duration of your life, or it may completely vanish without a trace to be forgotten. But if it does scar, then don't despise it, take pride in that little mark upon your body, for that is what you look at and show people and say, "I did it, I survived, here is my proof that I am strong."

ZÄNDE

Yes, maybe I “have” something.

I am sick of this…
So I am going to get in contact with someone who can test me.
Whatever it might be. I don’t know. I want to do it now!!!

I am so fed up with this non-understandment from Okaasan.
I’m not stupid, no lower IQ than anyone else, I just don’t work like everyone else.
So, that’s why I do it.

I am absolutely sure I “have something”. So to speak. And I am not sad about that fact at all.

Never have been “normal”, never will be either.
I wanna do music and training.
End of sentence.


ZÄNDE
P.S. Couldn’t go to school today, panic attack again. DUH.

I can’t sleep.

I think I’ve somehow slept for 2 hours.
I couldn’t tell if I was sleeping or not, but anyway I woke up with this panic in my body.
Lately I’ve begun to sweat a lot when bedtime. Lately I’ve begun to sleep very badly.

What is happening to me?
Why can’t I sleep anymore?
I wish someone could be online now… but I guess everyone is sleeping already. It’s early in the morning after all. Or in the middle of the night, whatever you call it.

Soulmate is also sleeping I guess.
I woke her up by my weeping. Yes, I cried. But she mostly seemed annoyed and ignored me. So I guess she’s gone back to sleep by now. She who didn’t even wanna go to bed in the first place. At times like this I wonder what’s going on inside her head… I am a little sad I guess. That she ignores me. But I would be too if I constantly awoke like this. Maybe cuz she works so differently than me, I would never be able to ignore her if she woke up crying and twisting around. Even so,  I love her…

I have been awake for 30 minutes now…
My body has been calming down a little by now I think.

I’ll try to sleep again.

ZÄNDE

Moments that will last forever <3

 

ZÄNDE

(NOT FINISHED) London & YFC concert report.

LOL. So I’ve made up my mind. Because I can’t seem to finish this report in the near future…. I’ve decided to post what I have written so far. And I am sorry, I’m only on like the third song… but well well… I wrote this the day after we'd returned home. Under the cut~~~~  AND I AM SORRY FOR MY TERRIBLY BAD ENGLISH.

IDK.

We’re just sitting here, I’m getting crazy!!
I don’t know what I wanna do but NOT this.
What else then? IDK DAMMIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I hate having boring days like this. I hate it!!!
That’s all I can do. Sit on my firm little ASS.
I could really need G to come here and drag me out.
Pulling me by my hair if so be it. I’m having boring~!!

GAH. I need someone who can make me do things.
Not someone like me… ASSING around all days!!

Ok, Ok.

ZÄNDE

Hmmm

I am about to fall asleep right here right now…
Unbelievably tired. My head is heavy and my eyes hurt.
It was a strange day today, it started off with a 2 hour class in History, after that I happily started to walk towards the subway to get home because we only had that lession, and halfway there I get an anxiety attack, from no where at all. I start to panic, my heart races and I start to breath very fast. Then I notice my whole body is shaking like there was an earthquake, so I lean towards a wall, and messaged my one classmate that came and picked me up. I couldn’t stop shaking!

Ugh, the human body is frightening.
Came home safely cuz I met up with Soulmate and she also helped me.
I felt fine when I came inside, and now I’m sitting here…

But I am TIRED. I couldn’t sleep tonight, nor the night before this one.
I hope I can get some good sleep tonight.

Oyasumi.

ZÄNDE

Sleepy…

I am really tired this morning…
I truly dislike it. Soon have to get ready for school though.
Wondering what today will be like…

ZÄNDE

Who am I???

Gender confusion. AGAIN.

I woke up this morning with the feeling in my body that I DON’T want to be a woman. Because I’m not a woman in my heart. I look like one, I have boobs and I’ve got a silly vagina… BUT I HATE IT!!!!!!! Since I was little I’ve always felt more like a boy. But when thinking about it, I don’t feel like a man either…!! 50-50…. It’s really disturbing.

I am not attracted of women at all, ok, M-chan is the only one so far. And I admitt I AM bisexual. Because I can fall in love with both men and women. But I can’t stop drooling over handsome men. Just look at them! The male body is WONDERFUL!! I think I’d like women better if I didn’t look like on myself… but I can’t say that women have “wonderful” bodies. Not even nice ones. Curves and mountains everywhere….yuck!

And then there’s this girlyness, I can’t stand.
I don’t like the female way of being. “Females” …the word is disgusting to me right now.
So I figured I would have been born as a male, and still be bisexual. Because I wanna have a male body but I am mostly attracted to other males. So…ahahahahaha~ A gay guy in a womans body. AHAHAHAHAHA. Ironic.

Anyway, that’s what I’ve been thinking….
 
I don’t want to be any gender at all…
I JUST WANT TO BE HUMAN.

ZÄNDE

YFC Vanilla <333

JUST OH MY FUCKING GOD, JUST LOOK AT THAT BODY MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!
AND I HAVE SEEN HIM JUST LIKE THAT!!!!

……………….*FAINTS*…

Many things in One.

My Otosan and his girlfriend are coming over for a while today :D
I’ve had dizziness-attacks tonight, as well as yesterday night, so I’m not feeling very well and it will be a short visit. BUT they’re bringing the dog! YAYAYAY!! ^____^ I love him, he’s so big and cute! Otosan said they have a cat with them too  o.o… Ok. A lot of fuzzy animals are coming over and lovely things to eat 8D… I feel better already! Ahahaha!

A random thing I just have to tell…it’s so LOLable~ XD
Next year when I go back to London my friend B-chan will tattoo me with the text “OOHHHH FUJIYAMA” ….XDDD I’s gonna be awesome. One of G’s “YFC Master Positions”. Ahahahahaha. Arigatouuuu ~  ^^<3

Annnnnnd…….. M-chan will give me a haircut later today ^.^ XD
She cut her hair today too, it looks really pretty! I need to dye my hair soon …
Aaah! I will need a lot of money for what I’m planning on doing the upcoming months!
And I really must start to save money for a possibly upcoming G concert next year again (!!!!).

Lalala lot of stuff in the same post.
…Waiting for them to arrive then. *~*~*~*~*~

ZÄNDE

Morning message.

Goodmorning.
As a GACKT-fan, I know that there’s nothing that’s called “impossible”. And I know that there’s no rule saying humans have to sleep a certain amount of hours every night. But still I got to hear from Okaasan last night “What’s the time now? Why are you not sleeping?” I say “We’re going to get up at 7 AM. So it gets seven hours of sleep.” Okaasan again “YOU MUST SLEEP 8 HOURS PER NIGHT. PEOPLE SHOULD SLEEP 8 HOURS PER NIGHT!! THE DEAL WAS LIKE THIS, YOU-WILL-SLEEP-8-HOURS-PER-NIGHT!!!!!!”  …….

I am so fed up with her and her constant rambling of what is right and what’s wrong.
Everyone is different, and I manage on 7-6 hours every night. Maybe I get a little more tired but still, I don’t suffer. I can’t even decide my own sleeping schedule. Even when I am 18 years old next month, she won’t let me go. It’s just a feeling I have.

She said yesterday “If you have a fever, you can take a painkiller and go to school anyway!” it made me smile inside. Just you freaking wait Okaasan, I am going to live a life were I will work until my body can’t take anymore. You will say “Please take a rest” But I won’t rest. My goal is not to copy G’s lifestyle, my goal is just to live my life to the fullest and to overcome my physical weaknesses. G’s way of doing it is a way that appeals to me very much.

It will be fun to give my revenge!!
And see the worried look in her face.
 

ZÄNDE