One of many thoughtful days.

As usual nowadays, Okaasan and I fight.
We have been on each other from the moment she got home to the moment she went to bed. But what can you do?

Next monday morning I’m off into the forest with another class in school.
Lovely… I am not happy about it, not for a single secound.
But there’s nothing I can do to change that either… Right now, right here, I am powerless. But even if I can’t change what I have to do, I can change my mindset. If I stay positive it won’t become as painful. Walk all day, sleep in the woods… Gonna be awesome! Whenever I face something, I always start to approach it with a negative atitude.

I am very weak mentally.
As soon as I’m tired, something’s aching – I get weak and give up.
I have been like that for as long as I can remember. I want to change!!
I have from just now started to train myself in getting stronger mentally. It’s good for me to do so. Because if I keep living like this, I won’t have a happy life. Not at all. I can’t live my life walking around being so terribly afraid of everything. I think I am afraid of my own body. That thought just popped up in my mind…

The physical feelins the human body can make you feel is frigthening to me.

So I’ve been thinking.
I think a lot… LOL.
That I have to really do this school expedition in order to get stronger.
What’s the point of breaking down? Nothing will change. No matter how much I worry or how much I cry because I don’t want to do it. Nothing will change. I just have to pull myself together and do it. It will be over fast and I will be a little bit stronger mentally because I actually moved forward!

Tiredness and pain is all natural, but I am stronger than those feelings.
I CAN DO IT~!!!

ZÄNDE

Lets have fun~ OSU!!

Ohayou gozaimasuuuuuuuu-----!!
A short input, the teacher in my school said she’d update the schedule yesterday, but I’ve been updating the damn site 1000000 times already and still nothing has changed, ahahahahaha. So I will be a naughty kid and show up at 11.30, as my un-updated schedule says! ;) I don’t care much really. Shorter day for me, wo~!!

ahaha bad me, but oh wellllllls~ XD
AND I slept 6 hours tonight. See Okaasan, I am fine!!
A little piccie to cheer up my day even more <3
 
Samurai beach party!! XD … LOL.

ZÄNDE

Back to the battlefield~!!

I have been taking up the battle against my school again, I will not go there. I just won’t. So I’ve made Y2 ask her teachers and some other people in her school about the mathematics over there, and if it could be possible for a person like me to start there. Their schedule is also much better compared to mine. 9-15.00 How can it differ like that!?

Okaasan has been so stressed and angy lately, it’s like she’s another person. Saying stuff like “You can’t make it.” “it’s impossible.” “Of course it won’t work for you!” Just WHAT is that for an attitude…?? If there’s one thing in this world I can’t stand, it would be when people say “It’s impossible.” She think I won’t be able to change school. And that I am weak for not being able to endure hard times (my schedule)…

But I’d say like this: Why should we suffer and force ourselves to do something we don’t want to, when it actually can be solved to the better? I think a lot of people live like that, and I think it’s wrong. For me it’s wrong. I can’t live my life like that. And why is it seen as a weakness? Shouldn’t it be called a strength instead? To stand up for who you are, don’t take any shit. Live your life as you want it. So I’m sorry if I don’t want to live my life being in school from 8-17.00 every day, + homework. It is too much for me and I refuse to take it. I want to be able to do other things after school than just study before going to bed and start all over again. Sure, I sit an awful lot by my comp, but that’s because I don’t have anything else to do really, and this is the best way for me to reload my batteries.

I have also made up my mind about one thing. I am going to start drumming again. Become a drummer~!! I took 1 lession some years ago, but something with the teacher wen’t wrong so I didn’t go anymore. I really wish to start again!! ^^ It would be kinda hard to fit in lessions for that after school, so that’s also one reason I must quit my current school.

I hope things work out! Pray for me will ya????

ZÄNDE 

PISSED OFF.

MY FUCKING GOD.
I HAVE JUST LOOKED AT MY SCHEDULE AND IT’S FREAKING INSIANE!!!!!!
WE ARE STARTING AT 8 AM EVERY FUCKING MORNING. AND ON TUESDAYS IT’S EVEN WORSE WE HAVE TO START AT 8 AM, HAVE A BREAK FROM 10.20 TO BLOODY 3 PM!!! AND FROM 3 PM WE GO TO 17.20 PM!!!!! WHAT!!!THE!!!HELL!!!
FUCKED UP SCHEDULE! IF THIS HAPPENS TO BE ACCURATE I AM SOOOO OUTTA THERE!!!!!!!!! YOU WRITE THAT UP FUCKHEADS!!!

SO. I’M JUST A LIIIIITLE BIT PISSED OFF AT THE BLOODY MOMENT.
I’LL UPDATE YOU SOON AGAIN.
-KOROSU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!-

the 4th day…

My body is actually sore today. The past two days activities have caused me muscle pain, especially in my legs, fufufu~ x) It was a long time since I last had it there o.o I miss it a lot! Today I have a very soft day, I am going to be in school from 11.40-15.00. AH great ^^ then rush home to cuddle with my soulmate *purrs*.

I got a little more sleep tonight, I don’t know what’s wrong, I constantly wake up, and don’t feel tired at all, just wh00t?? I’m a little hyped up right now xD Whaaat will I do when I come home??? I wanna sing, or work out with my boxing sack!! Work on some kicks or something. I can’t say I’m good at it but XD Practise makes perfect, as they say.
Aaahhh my eyes are still blurry.
I can’t see very well.
Gotta get going then~~~ ^_^v
´
Owww—!! Btw, I just love what L-chan said to me the other day
“You know what? If you concentrate really hard, you can feel Gackt’s warm hand on your cheek.” It’s so cute x)) <3 At sad times, I’ll remember that.

ZÄNDE

I am reborn!!

Yesterday was a good day, and I feel I have really gotten stronger! My team in school won~ Woho. And i managed to keep a happy face the whole day. Even though I totally hate those activtiy-days, I smiled! It’s the only thing to do when facing difficulties. Today we’re going to do the same thing again, so I’ll put on a smile again as well ^^

I was very proud of myself when I was on my way home. Tired, but happy.
But of course when I came home things dramatically changed. Okaasan and I have had enough of each other it seems. So her final words were “If things doesn’t get better between us, you have to move. I can’t handle you anymore.” I know she’s serious. So from that moment on it was a lot of tears, lots lots lots of tears.  And she forced me to go to bed at 10 PM. But before that I had about an hour and a half to reload my batteries in front of the computer. The comp is my energy source!! ^^ I was waching the EVER PV over and over before going to bed and it made me really speeded up. Full of energy again~

I am actually really excited for todays activities.
Though I basically didn’t get any sleep tonight. It was freaking impossible to sleep. So I will be tired…

BUT!!

Now I know that GACKT really changed me back there in London. I didn’t think it worked, but now when I have something to work with, I know he did. ^__^  I feel it in my heart. Even in the darkest of places, I find happiness. That makes me truly happy, too.

Work. Day 1.

First day back at work is now over.
It was nice seeing my friends again, but as usual, work gives me a headache. Too social, yes? My phobia-problems started to show from the very moment I woke up. “How am I feeling today??” “I don’t wanna go!!”. But I went and at all was good. The first 30 minutes we sat in the aula and that was the worst part for me, I tried to act calm, but ey, anyone could see I was shaking like crazy! I really don’t like that place…and as usual after being at work only for 1 hour I became soooo hungry… GARGH.

Tomorrow and the day after that we’re going to be outside, in da woooooods~ YES. Not. To play and to get to know the first graders a little bit. I remember last year, I didn’t enjoy it at all. Haha. But somehow I feel as if I’ve gotten stronger, something inside me has changed. Even though I do not wish for this “play-activities” I look forward to getting started with the real work. I will really do my best this year!!! I am so happy, I know it’s going to be hard, homework, getting to school at all, surviving, while trying to have fun at the same time. And not to forget, working hard with other things beside school. I really wish to learn martial arts for example. I will look up the possibilities of starting. My singing and my training~ Things I really want to do apart from school.

Maybe GACKT wasn’t able to make me work hard at once, but I feel that after seeing him in person I definately have the will to do something. I want to work hard. I want to do a lot of things. And you know what? I can do it. YES! I will start to sleep 7 hours a night now instead of 8. Gives me an extra hour… I don’t really care what Okaasan says. It’s not her life and last year I managed fine. Another thing that keeps me so hyper about school is that I have a reason to really do my best at not be late, and not to miss too many school-days; the money I get from going there is being taken away from students who miss too many classes and such. And I NEED the money every month. How else do you think I’ll save enough money to go see GACKT again when he comes back??? SO NOW YOU SEE I’M VERY FUCKING EAGER TO BE A GOOD STUDENT!!! (  O________o) …

He gave me some kiai after all!!!
RAWRRRRRRR~!!!

I want to love my life.
I want to live my life.

Kill.Me.Right.Now….

Oh my GOD that doll-thing is 2 metres TALL.
I am only 1.63 cm’s SHORT!! And I have challenged him to fight me. He accepted it trough email.

KILL ME RIGHT NOW SO WE GET THIS OVER WITH!!! O______O

random Love random Love

I was moved to tears today by a friend. A touching text message~

The past weeks I’ve been very down, a lot of fights, a feeling of “it’s hopeless” spread trough my body and mind. Me dun like >.<!! Stupid things have come across my mind, like suicide… there have been times when I truly felt like there’s no point in trying anymore. Ready to give it all up.

I cried for an hour yesterday, I didn’t want enyone to see me like this.
Wanted to be alone, walk my own path, it is my journey, mine alone.

But then today I was reminded of one thing,
the most important thing I have:
My Family.

To me, the ones I call my family isn’t my genetical family. My family consists of 3 individuals so far. They are people which I immediately connected with, from the very first moment I spoke to them. We’re not only connected by heart, it goes far deeper than that, our souls are One. Mutual understandment exists here.

The text message I recieved was from one of the members of my family.
It made me realize that I don’t want to leave any of these guys. I don’t want to leave this world, not at all! And it’s because of them. How could I be so stupid I even thought about wanting to die?
It was shown to me so strongly today. And I’m very happy about that :’)

For the first time I actually see the people around me, the people who care, the people who loves from the bottom of their hearts.They’re my precious family, and I never want to leave them. My place is here with them.

Thank you, my dear Nom-chan, Trey-chan and Liza-chan~

New Friend :)

The past few days I’ve been talking to a girl from the UK that also went to the G-concert. I’ve come to really like her! Y2 talked to her at first over facebook and I got interested and wanted to say hello as well. Ah! Nowadays I love making new friends over the net, ahahahahhaha because it’s so easy to find GACKT-fans. I like their spirits.

I have fun talking to her. Talking and talking… we’re talking about a lot of stuff and it’s fun to be all crazy~!! Also, she is pretty encouraging, she knows G and his way of thinking, and because we all do, it’s great to be able to push and to be pushed forward that way. “Don’t give up! You can do it!” that kind of thing. And right now I just got to know one more thing about her that made me really happy: She’s got Emetophobia as well!!! XD What a coincident!!!  Of course I’m not happy that she also suffers from this but, it’s strange, another GACKT-fan I randomly bump into.

Ah, I love life <3

rambling

Yet again we’re at my summer house, today it’s grey clouds in the sky~
Yesterday was hot, finally the sun managed to show itself, and oh boy it shined so brightly! My granny’s stopping by soon and I hope she’s got something good and eatable with her 8) hehehehe.

Recently it’s been a lot of fighting at home, both with Okaasan and with my Soulmate….It’s really tiresome. And both with words and some, even with the fists. Bad me!!! Now thing’s have calmed down a notch, I praise the heavens! Nothing went as I planned after the G-concert, it all started with bad self esteem and I had a huge performance anxiety… which left me doing nothing at all in the end. It happens a lot. Then as the days/weeks passed by I got more and more anxious and restless, feeling a huge need to do something! But I still didn’t, cuz I don’t know how to start. Solo work is also closing in, 1 more week off… So I started panicking over that as well. I want to change school, but I basically can’t because of my difficulties with mathematics. I need extra suport and my current school is one of, obviously few, who can provide me with the help I need. Because if I don’t pass the criterias for “Math A” when I’m ending my last year, I can’t graduate. And I can’t do anything further on with my life… It sucks, and I feel like an idiot. A lost idiot. Okaasan and I fight a lot about that, and also our problems, she’s so… I don’t know, I can’t explain it, but if I had an own place to live at, I would take it right away. If I could find a way to pay the bills and such………

And of course, this affects me and my Soulmate as well.
I’ve become extremely easy to make aggressive, even the slightest thing and I explode. The other day I even flew on her and started to hit and kick her. That’s shameful… They say that when a man hits his woman she should leave him right away, isn’t it the same here? I don’t mean to hurt her, I’m just getting so frustrated at myself to the point my blood is boiling.

*sigh* It’s a hard life…

By the way, I’ve been thinking about my old school often recently…
I really miss my teachers there. <3

……..

I don’t know what to do with myself…………………….
I hate it all………………………………………………….

Why is it so hard to keep the happy and understanding feelings?

no sleep, longing for medicine.

I had about 1,5 hours of sleep now.
Woke up and took a bath………
The pain and the constand need to pee is unbearable.
And my fever is pretty high I think. It feels like it’s rushing.
My head hurt terribly.

Poor Y2 has to wake up now and then to hear my whimpering.
I truly feel sorry for her…
It’s always me waking her up.

I’m thinking a little about what mr.G says…
“smile at your pain” that is without doubth strong.
I will do that, the best I can. It’s laughable after all.

Ow…
It seems like my head is slightly getting better…
I wonder if I’ll be able to sleep some more?
Probably not but…

Hospital tomorrow for me then~

So after all it wasn’t a cold.
It is something much more…wtf.
It seems like I’ve got an urinary infection…
It HURTS and I bleed when I pee..!! It’s absolutely not funny.
(And NO it’s not my period)

AH so tomorrow, instead of going to the summer house,
I’ll go to the hospital to get some antibiotic. Or something.
It feels kinda…worrying, since I bleed a lot actually.
The pain… >_>

But oh well.
Goodnight my friends~

I’m cold

And so life strikes me with a light fever.
Ironic~~~ Since scool is starting soon.
I’m so cold so cold. Feeling so cold.
Aaah, all I want is to take a warm bath…
But it’s the middle of the night.

Anyway.
So it was Soulmates birthday today/yesterday (8th).
It was an Ok day ne? <3

I think water and sleep will fix the fever.
Aaah~

from my bed

Today it’s raining again, but we’re going out~ :D
I’m still in bed, I managed to wake up after about 6,5 hours of sleep at 9.30 a.m.
WOW I haven’t been been up so early in a long time.

I’ve been listening to EVER over and over and I can’t get enough of it!
I looked up the lyrics translation of course, and wowowow it got even better.
It’s a really pushing song, and the lyrics are very powerful.
To chase your dreams, and all that. The typical GACKT-stuff ^^
I can’t deny I truly love this guy…(maybe ‘cuz I write about how freaking much I love him in every entry XD but schh!)

Even though I’m having a serious 18-year old crisis (yes I’m in panic!)
Even though I’m so tired of school (that has not yet started from the vacation)
Even though I’m wondering what will become of me and my life in the future…
Even though I’m desperately looking for answers and the meaning of my existence…

This song keeps litting the fire in my heart, over and over again.
I just wanna scream it out to the wooorld~ Listen to it~!!
Wooo!! But seriously… I’ve also been thinking quite heavily on one thing..

I want tattoos.

Yesyesyesyes! :D
I’m still thinking on the motives. I’d want them on the underarms.
I’m thinking of having “Gakuto” written in katakana “ガクト”…
But under each other like:
ガ
ク
ト
Nice or? xD
And on the other one the sign for dream “Yume” - “夢
and fighting spirit “kiai” - 気愛 But this is the way GACKT writes it, he puts the sign for “Love/ai” so it gets more like “love energy” <3

Anyway ^^ that’s it.
Now I have to get going~~ ^__^

the ache in my heart

Once again… the ache in my heart leaves me in tears.
I MISS HIM. I MISS IT ALL.

I pray we will all meet again, someday soon.
If you will be back GACKT, I will be there too.
You promised, I promised.

”Whatever happens, you don’t have to feel alone, because I will always be with you. I love you.”
We love you too… ;________;

sneak sneak….

Middle of the night…
Time for some RABU RABU!!  <3
Demo… Shhhhhhh…!! :’O
We’re good girls, Cha2 xD

Memories…

Today was Okaasans birthday.
She turned 56 years old. It’s strange, in only 4 years from now, she’ll be 60.
And I’ll be like, what, 21 only? Haha…………………

I want you all to look at this video.
It’s a recording from july 16th when GACKT enters Academy Islington.

At first I was looking at the security guard closest to the camera…
His name is Jerry, and I have to tell you that Okaasan became friends with him.
It was HILARIOUS!! (But more of that in my report that’s taking some time but will be up soon!)

I watched the video over and over again, and I found myself crying…
It’s a moving clip. It captures everything.
The waiting, longing, and the love we have for this man.
And I was there when this was filmed. I was standing a little further back.
So when you watch this… my voice shouted for him there.
Seing him for the first time.
My heart is still screaming when watching this video.
I want to go back to that time.
It’s been almost 3 weeks. How can time rush like this?
I was screaming with everything I got, and obviously everyone else did too x)
No wonder GACKT wrote in his blog saying that we screamed so loud we could make the entire world shake. And I’m glad he finally realized what a fanbase he’s got here in Europe. He surely kept us waiting, but when we finally got to see him – it was worth every secound of it.

I love this man so much…
And I’m truly greatful of what I got that day…
I will always and always remember that day. It was unforgettable.

I miss him so much. I miss him so so so much…
Thank you, daddy. For everything.

Accused from above

It happened something strange this night…
people nowadays I must say…

We recieved a hand written letter from a neighbor,
I don’t know when it was put in our letter box,
but somehow, it had landed in our apartment. It was a quite…angry letter.
We’d been accused for breaking the house rules by being “noisy” late at night.
Can you imagine? Ahahahaha!

Obviously we had left her awake the whole night. How can that be???
”I ask you to respect the rules!” …something like that…
What makes me really concerned is; what did we do?
Nothing special I’d say… but of course, there can be disagreements about that. Ahahah~
We didn’t hear any loud sounds though.

People nowadays…
I think it’s very funny.
Okaasan gave me a call after I’d told her about the letter and she said
she wanted us to go upstairs and apologize. Why should we do that?
She also called the lady above us, to ask what she’d been distubed of.
All I can say about that is;  I pray she doesn’t say something about “thuds”.
If, I will shit my pants. Really I will. Becaaause….
my dear partner and I felt very, *hrm* loving…towards each other tonight.

My knees are all bruised up. “thuds” ….
……… So that is that. Nuff said!
XD;;

And we went to bed at 6.30 A.M.
I feel alive!!

Random

Seems like the past few days we’re really doing nothing.
I mean nothing at all. It’s rainy…
I don’t know what to do, don’t really want to do anything either…
I’m going back to Solo Work in just 3 weeks time…
How did my vacation go this fast? It’s a mystery…
Time only goes faster and faster the older you get. It’s true…
The London trip and seing GACKT live was probably a big part of the drama.
It’s basically the only thing I’m going to remember from this summer.
Because nothing else happened really… Only very small stuff…

One thing I can’t deny I’m very nervous about is…
This friday I’m gonig to meet up with my friend who’s an cured "emet”..
And we’re going to clean night busses.… it’s rehabilitation for me…
Since it’s a lot of vomit in there. And I’ll have to clean it up.
But I’m also proud I’ve come this far…
Looking back, I didn’t think it was possible.

But now I’m here…
Having food eating challenges, are much more calm about going out, when I feel sick - I don’t panic…etc…
I’ve made it so far. So now I just have to go clean that bus~!!!
I’m nervous… I’m shaking…
But…

”Stay fucking tough!! OSU!!”